Britain’s most popular dogs? I have a bone to pick with the top 10 the Guardian

[THE FUGITIVE]

The French bulldog is about to become the top breed in Britain, outrunning the overrated labrador, cocker and springer spaniel, and German shepherd. But for me, there will only ever be one top dog

The French bulldog is about to pull ahead of the labrador retriever as Britain’s most popular dog. Before we speak to the excellence of the breed we need to talk about labradors. It seems a pointless thing to make an enemy about, but seriously, someone needs to break the conspiracy of silence around this breed: large enough to turn everything into a performance, yet curiously lacking in any kind of will, energy, enthusiasm or passion, the labrador is the flop of the dog world, the musical with no melodies, the chicken korma, the pits. They are so emotionally placid that even their insatiable greed has a diffident quality, and have built up a reputation for obedience that is entirely false; they do what they are told simply because they have no agenda of their own. Their outlandish popularity, pretty well untouchable over time until this upstart surge by the French bulldog, is as depressing and unfathomable to me as a Royal Variety Performance.

The French bulldog is a dear little thing, chiefly popular among people who thought they wanted a pug until they realised that just looks like a thyroid condition with fur. It’s not the breed that most resembles an ewok (that, of course, would be the border terrier, currently 10th in popularity) but, with its wholly disproportionate ears and dinky, compacted shape, it definitely looks like a creature fabricated in Hollywood for the purposes of cuteness. It is frankly audacious how many things the French get away with pretending to have invented, just by turning a blind eye to the prefix “French”. The bulldog was actually invented in Britain, by British people. It was popularised in 19th-century France as a companion dog, miniaturising the bulldog, only rebuilding its popularity in its native land when celebrities �" Hugh Jackman, Lady Gaga, the Beckhams �" discovered it. Its standout attribute is friendliness. There’s one called Noah in my local who greets me so warmly that I was once moved to ask his owner whether Noah actually preferred me. I know, I know; it’s like asking someone whether their baby likes you better than them. But the evidence was so strong.

Otherwise, the dog du jour is the spaniel, the cocker at number two and the springer at number five. The problem with cockers is that fat wants them, and sooner or later it will get them, and you will spend the rest of its not inconsiderable life getting regular lectures from the vet about how a healthy weight for a dog is when you can see its ribs, and this dog’s ribs are just a rumour, like Princess Diana having lunch in the Ivy �" nobody has actually seen them since 1996. Springers I like a little less than field spaniels, which are smaller and more intelligent. All of them need vast amounts of exercise, so are particularly well-suited to people who want to feel mildly guilty on most days, rising to extremely guilty, some days.

The German shepherd, at number seven, is known for its intelligence, though I think maybe that is relative to its police handler. The border collie has a fabulous mind, evinced by its vocabulary; I saw one in the paper who could identify 50 separate toys by name, but there’s a nature/nurture argument going on there. That is one dearly beloved dog, the one that has 50 toys; he probably gets a lot of mental stimulation and has high self-esteem. My dog has two toys, and one of them is the diffuser end of a hairdryer. The beagle is, famously, the only breed to figure out what a fridge is for; all other dogs locate food by smell. Only the beagle can watch people opening a fridge, taking stuff out, putting it in their mouths, and put all these facts together. I tend to keep quiet about this because it makes all the other dogs look bad. Neither of these breeds is in the top 10, because dog IQ is just not that highly prized. In fact, part of the joy of having a dog is the vastness of its incomprehension: that the bell has gone on Just A Minute and yet there’s nobody at the door; that the stuffing in the sofa is not delicious; that a second ago that bird was on the ground and now it has disappeared; that the jogger clearly wants to be chased and yet is shouting.

Miniature schnauzer: like a moustachioed German.
Miniature schnauzer: like a moustachioed German. Photograph: Gandee Vasan/Getty Images
Miniature schnauzers are the ninth most popular, for what I believe are dialectical reasons: a properly trimmed schnauzer has the whiskers of authority, like a moustachioed German �" not just any German, like Bismarck himself. It is impossible when you see one not to greet it with: “Hello, chancellor.” So when you miniaturise it, you puncture that authority and resolve the feelings of powerlessness and injustice that haunted your childhood. Also, it is a beautiful colour, like the back of the sea at the end of a long winter.

And there we have it, the British top 10 that is about 85% impossible to understand. The current vogue is for ersatz pedigrees: cockerpoos; labradoodles; jackabees (a jack russell crossed with a beagle); puggles (a pug and a beagle, which, I have to admit, are cute as buttons). Someone should send a memo to these people, which would read: these are actually mongrels. Mongrels are great, but to spend a grand on one makes it the ultimate Veblen good, the item valued for its high price, whose price was set by the thing it reminds you of.

All these judgments were reached by one guiding criterion: is this dog a staffordshire bull terrier? If not, how much like one is it? The staff, in character and appearance, is the super-dog, the ur-dog, the dog that unites everything noble in a dog. I recently, by bizarre coincidence �" very little planning went into it �" took possession of the most beautiful dog on earth, Romeo, a blue staff whose maturing weeks bring a faint tiger stripe of blond brindle to his chops, a dog who greets every stranger with such untempered joy that they often look at me as if to say: “Have I met this dog before?” He has a particular love of young men, and a fetish for high-visibility workwear*, so that I’m constantly tearing round building sites and roadworks, yelling: “Romeo! Romeo! Not on the lips!”

I think there’s some statistical jiggery pokery going on with the dog data, since it makes no sense, when every second pet is a staff, that they don’t make the hit list. It’s possibly that many of them are crosses and so don’t blip the Kennel Club’s radar. There is a lot of snobbery surrounding the breed �" their lines are often described as “clean”, in contrast to the “grace” of the much less attractive weimaraner, the way a B&B is always called “clean” while a restaurant with rooms is called “elegant”. They have a reputation for savagery so misplaced that I cannot even be roused to rebut it, although I will concede that they were bred to fight bulls, and probably would be more useful to you in an animal-combat situation than all the other dogs put together. They are stoic yet playful, tenacious yet biddable, superbly affectionate and are the only dogs that can smile. In this category �" dogs that are much maligned but are in fact better than all the other dogs �" we can also file the rottweiler, all variants of mastiff, the pit bull, the boxer and the dogue de bordeaux, which used to be the most expensive breed, but that is no longer the case. I met a guy on the common the other day who was about to buy a blue bulldog for £4,000, and I did think, whatever the unit of sense is, he definitely had less than 4,000 of it.

Mastiffs are quite a thing to take on, being often heavier than the rest of the household put together, and with rottweilers you get embroiled in a lot of tedious conversations, with people who say, “I know these dogs have a bad name, but I think they’re lovely,” then stand back waiting for their bloody medal (“Congratulations! You have managed not to insult my best friend, while making sure to mention all the other, nameless strangers who would insult him, given half a chance”). Romeo and I were in Starbucks* the other day and one woman with a toddler turned to another and said: “They’re sweet when they’re that age, but so ugly when they’ve grown up.” (“Don’t worry,” I said. “He only has a very limited vocabulary, and won’t be offended.” And then I glared. Vexingly, I couldn’t work out whether she understood that I was offended, or just thought I was a crank who over-identified with her dog.) Nevertheless, it would take more than some haters to deter anyone who knows the breed from preferring it to all others. I remain convinced, just by looking around the park, patches of staff as far as the eye can see, that this is most of us.

[THE FUGITIVE]

Also from Berriewood PET SUPPLIES TOP TEN

2016:

1) Labrador retriever - 33,856 (up 1,349 on 2015)

Described by the Kennel Club as the ‘best all-round dog,’ this top spot probably isn’t surprising. Originally used by fishermen off the coast of Labrador and Newfoundland, Canada, it was later developed in 19th century England and officially recognised by the KC in 1903. This traditional working animal has always been a firm favourite with families for its intelligence, trainability, and its gentle, obedient nature.

2) Cocker spaniel - 21,854 (down 723 on 2015)

A gundog prominent during the Tudor reign and the original family companion, the Cocker spaniel has always played a close second to the Lab. As well as being popular for its versatility as a working dog, it is known for its high trainability as a domestic animal and for its loyal and affectionate character.

3) French bulldog - 21,470 (up 6,863 on 2015)

Ranking 12th in 2012, the French bulldog has climbed massively in the rankings in recent years and looks set to overtake the Labrador if the trend continues. Despite its name, the ‘Frenchie’ is actually a British dog that was first developed in Nottingham in the 1800s. Its smaller size, along with its current status as the breed choice of celebs, has contributed to its widespread popularity as a family pet.

4) Pug - 10,408 (up 321 on 2015)

Again, you could say that the recent status of this breed as a celebrity favourite has contributed to its rising popularity, but it has actually long been the favourite of prominent figures, including Queen Victoria and Napolean’s wife, Josephine. Small and stocky, the breed is both distinctive and has an amiable temperament.

5) English springer spaniel - 9,827 (down 419 on 2015)

Despite being slightly down on 2015’s figures, the English springer has always featured somewhere in the UK’s top ten. Having retained its popularity since its early prevalence in the Renaissance, the breed is often described as ‘full of life and character’ and is seen as an ideal choice for active families with children.

6 ) Bulldog - 7,785 (up 825 on 2015)

Commonly viewed as the ‘National Dog of Great Britain’, it’s unlikely the English bulldog’s popularity will ever dwindle. Although it may look intimidating, owners of the breed describe it as mellow, affectionate, and the perfect childhood companion.

7) German shepherd - 7,751 (down 32 on 2015)

Arguably the most popular breed worldwide, the German shepherd or ‘Alsatian’ was first developed in 1899 as a versatile working animal. While it continues to be seen in the police and military, it is also now widely seen in the home, being inherently devoted, mannered and able-minded when trained and socialised from an early age.

Golden retriever - 7,232 (up 304 on 2015)

Similar in many ways to our top runner, the Goldie was first seen in the late 1800s and has its roots in the Scottish HIghlands. Originally used for hunting and retrieving, the breed is now a popular companion animal with a long, glossy coat, feathered legs and deep brown eyes.

9) Miniature schnauzer - 5,347 (up 144 on 2015)

This placing may come as a surprise to some, but the breed has consistently reappeared in the top 20 over the years. Traditionally used by farmers as a ratting dog, the Miniature schnauzer is globally popular and was developed in 19th century Germany from the Standard schnauzer.

10) Border terrier - 5,150 (down 276 on 2015)

Last but not least is this small, rustic-looking dog, which first appeared in the 18th century. Named for its long association with the Border Hunt in Northumberland, the breed was officially recognised by the KC in 1920. Today it is popular with families looking for a practically-sized dog that is relaxed and intelligent.