mahrkpat's Jokes

[mahrkpat]

Can of Paint

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without s.x for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

“Can of PAINT!” exclaimed the minister.

“Yeah,” said the newlywed man. “She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.”

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

“That’s okay,” said the man. “We’re not welcome in Home Depot either.”

Donkey Joke

A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks “How do you guys relieve your s.xual tension?”

“Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we’ll show you.”

The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says “Since you’re our guest you get to go first.”

The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have s.x with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks: “Are you almost done Doc?”

“We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women.

[THE FUGITIVE]

Excellant mah mate

[mahrkpat]

The Cashier

A woman went into a department store and told the clerk that she wanted to return a toaster because it didn’t work. The cashier told her that he couldn’t give her a refund because she bought it on sale. Suddenly the woman yelled, “Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!”

The cashier didn’t know what to do, so he called the store manager. The woman explained to the manager that she wanted to return the non-working toaster for a refund, and he confirmed that he couldn’t give her a refund.

Once again, she yelled, “Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!”

The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling that particular phrase. She replied, “I like my tits grabbed when I’m getting screwed!”

Ticket Excuse

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit.  He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror.

He thinks “I can outrun this guy,” so he floors it and the race is on.  The cars are racing down the highway �" 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures he can’t outrun the cop and gives up.  He pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says “Listen mister, I’ve had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home.  Give me a good excuse and I’ll let you go.”

The man thought for a moment and said, “Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer.  When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!

[THE FUGITIVE]

lol mate

[mahrkpat]

Hair Spray

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.” The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,

“Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”

The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”

No Excuse

college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.

“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked: “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says: “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

[THE FUGITIVE]

lol mate